What Hurts The Most
by ox Autumn Facade xo
Summary: She had lost her security, and she hated it because she didn't know if she ever was going to get it back. Yoruichi x Kisuke
1. The Rain

I know I shouldn't be starting another multi-chapter story, since I have three, maybe four, others that need some updating...but ah well. I had yet to write a Yoruichi x Kisuke story, so here it is!

Oh, and the stuff in italics is flashbacks.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach.

**.What Hurts The Most.**

_Chapter One: The Rain_

It was raining.

It was loud.

And it was simple, she hated it.

She couldn't stand thunderstorms, especially when it led to her electricity cutting off. So there she was, huddled in a dark corner with only a lit candle, her trusty baseball bat (for protection, of course, since she couldn't be using Shunkou in the living world if someone were to break in, or several of her powers), and a black T-shirt with jeans rolled up to her knees. She was absolutely freezing, but for some reason just would refuse to get up and retrieve some warmer clothes, or even a blanket. She was so used to him being there with her so she wouldn't need a blanket, and now that he wasn't there, it didn't feel right. She didn't know why, but she wasn't going to get up until this thing had passed. Completely. Truth be told, cats never did take a liking to water, so why should she? And _this_ cat didn't like being alone, either. She was just going to wait it out, simple enough, she thought.

Not so simple after five and a half hours pass by and you're still freezing your ass off in a cold, dark corner, and your only light source/heat source burns out on you. It was safe to say she was becoming rather frustrated.

It wasn't so much that she was afraid of the unfortunate weather, she just much more preferred sunshine over rain. And lightning, of course. --And thunder, she hated the thunder.

It was more that she was afraid that he wasn't there. She remembered how whenever it would storm, they would cuddle up by the fireplace with hot chocolate and simply talk with one another. She hadn't been near the fireplace since he left, so she wasn't planning on lighting it up.

What she wanted the most was for someone to be there with her. Somebody, anybody. But, and she knew she was being selfish for it, the someone she had in mind was a very certain someone in which she knew could never be there with her for a thunderstorm this early in the season. She knew he couldn't be there, and it wasn't his fault, but sometimes, when she missed him so terribly, she would start to think it was his fault. She knew it wasn't right, that it was an awful thing to do, and she absolutely hated herself for it, but she had nothing else to do with herself.

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_"So you're telling me that you're being sent to the front line!?" She asked him desperately, fear and concern filled her voice violently._

_"Yeah, but don't worry about it." He answered with a calm smile, as always. "I'll be fine, you just have to trust me. I'll come back to you."_

_"Kisuke, you could be killed!" A million thoughts were running through her head, and as she sorted through each one, she realized none were her cup of tea. She was horrified._

_"Ahw, c'mon, Yoruichi. Do you really have that little faith in me? I _am_ a genious, you know." He said smiling broadly._

_"Haven't you heard all of the reports on this war?" She retorted, completely ignoring his arrogant statement, as tears were just beginning to fill her eyes. "Squad Seven was nearly wiped out just a few days ago!"_

_He placed his hand on her chin and turned her head to face him directly as he stared into her golden eyes._

_"I don't want you worrying about me one bit while I'm gone, ya hear?" He said simply, wiping away a few of the tears trickling down her cheeks._

_She wanted to tell him 'Okay, sure', she wanted to be able to fulfill his wish, since it could be his last with her. But she couldn't. How could she? How could she simply go on with every day life, not worrying even a little bit about him?_

_He sighed after waiting a few moments and receiving no reply, and she could sense the sincerity in his voice this time. "Please. I don't want you to think you have to bear a burden of worry and fear because of me. The sooner you forget about it, the sooner I'll be home."_

_That almost made her angry, what he had just said. It almost upset her that he could think that she would forget he's got his life on the line until he returns home, that she could forget he's not with her every night anymore._

_"I'm sorry, Kisuke." She said, turning away from him and wiping at her eyes. "But I just can't handle this the way you do. I can't do such a thing as not worry about it, no matter how much you want me to." _

_And with that, she walked away from him, without even saying so much as goodbye._

_"I'll come back, just wait for me." He called after her. He knew she was upset with him, but he just didn't want her to be miserable _because_ of him._

_-------------------------------_

She had not a clue if he was ever going to return, and that's what hurt the most. She knew she was being selfish, hating the Court Squads for taking Kisuke back into Soul Society for a meaningless war. It wasn't meaningless, but whether it was won or lost, if she didn't have him after it was over, _then _it was meaningless. She felt childish, but for good reason. She felt like a toddler, missing their favorite blanket, or stuffed animal, their security. She had lost her security, and she hated it because she didn't know if she ever was going to get it back.

He had specifically told her _"I'll come back, just wait for me."_, but it wasn't a secure enough goodbye for her to believe in him. For the first time in her life, she _didn't_ believe in him, and it was when he needed it the most. She honestly believed she would never see him again, she really, truly did.

And she hated it.

Then again, she hated a lot of things lately. She hated that it was raining, she hated that she was being selfish, she hated that she missed him, she hated that she couldn't believe a word he said the day he left, she hated that God forsaken war, she hated being alone, and she hated herself. Oh, how she hated herself. There weren't enough words in the damned Webster's Dictionary to explain that.

Oh, and she hated that she was shipped back to Kisuke's shop like a second-class delivery from Soul Society because none of the Captains "wanted her involved". _They_ were the ones who destroyed her chances of fighting side-by-side with him again. _They_ were the ones who took _him_ away. _They_ were the ones who screwed her over.

And what's more, they sent Soi Fon to tell her about the situation. They had to send the one in which they knew Yoruichi wouldn't, couldn't become furious with. Soi Fon never knew Yoruichi wouldn't lay a hand or even one foul word on her. She was always ever-so careful around the Shihouin. Although it wasn't, she always considered her relationship with the Flash Goddess so delicate and fragile, as if it could be shattered into countless pieces of anger, hate, and despair with one wrong word. Yoruichi couldn't count the amount of times she had explained to the younger Shinigami that she needed to loosen up around her, be herself.

------------------------------

_"Yoruichi-sama..." Soi Fon said timidly, appearing behind Yoruichi._

_"Well, hello there Soi Fon!" She replied enthusiastically as she turned around with a smile and waved her hand. "I haven't seen you in ages, what brings you here?"_

_"Uhm...well...Yoruichi...sama...I have some news..." She stammered nervously as she twiddled her thumbs._

_"Hmm? What is it?" She replied curiously. _(Curiousity killed the cat o.o).

_"You see...the Squad Captains...excluding myself, because I certainly didn't agree to this...they uh...--"_

_"Oh, it can't be that big of a deal, just tell me what it is, Bee." She interrupted, her smile still shining, more than ever._

_"They want Kisuke Urahara to be included in one of the twelve Court Squads for this war. They aren't sure of his position yet, but they want him there..." She said before bowing her head._

_It was almost as if someone had slapped the smile right off of her face. Just smacked it right off. Her first reaction was anger, lots of anger. But she knew she couldn't take that out on Soi Fon, who had done absolutely nothing wrong, especially because she knew for a fact that Soi would take it way to hard. _

_She felt the frustration. They kicked him out of Soul Society, and now they needed him back for a damned war? She never did think much of the Court Squad Captains that currently resided, excluding Soi Fon, of course. But now they had really pushed her nerves._

_Then she felt the pain. The pain of seeing him dragged off to war, leaving her behind. The pain of not knowing whether he'll live or die. And the pain of being alone._

_There was that word._

_Alone._

_She felt a knot in her stomach and placed her hand on her abdomen as she fingered through her bangs with the other. "The...war?" She said softly._

_Soi Fon nodded slowly and knelt down. "Yes, Yoruichi-sama...I apologize...I was strongly against it but one Captain alone against eleven others...--"_

_"No, no...It isn't your fault, Soi Fon. Don't apologize..." She mumbled quietly. "But...why...why do they want Kisuke?"_

_"Well it's apparent that he's a genious, and yes, that's what got him kicked out of Soul Society, but they need him for the war...he's smart enough to really help us win..." She answered regrettably._

_"Ah...I see..." She said as she took a deep breath. "Well, thank you for notifying me, Soi Fon."_

_The young girl nodded and in a second, she was gone._

_Those few sentences that had left her previous subordinate's mouth cracked and shattered her world into a million pieces. She had no idea how she was going to deal with it._

_So she decided a good cry would be step one._

--------------------------

She missed hanging around with Soi Fon, too. She had no doubts whatsoever that Kisuke was the one she had fallen in love with, of course, and she had to give Soi Fon credit for not acting the least bit strange about the whole situation. Yoruichi knew too well how Soi Fon had felt about her for all those years, and she felt awful about it, but she had chosen Kisuke. And that's how it was going to be. She was just happy that Soi Fon hadn't gone into a crazed depression or even become angry with her.

Everything seemed where it had supposed to have been.

But they had to ruin that, and take him away.

Everyone knew that Yoruichi was the type of person who was all around, most of the time, happy. It took a lot to bring her down, and when that _did _happen, no one liked to see her miserable. It was too out of the ordinary. Lately, though, people had started to become used to her lifeless replies, her near depressed state, and her slowly decreasing health. Sure, she had always been one to be thin, but the woman could eat. She could eat _a lot_. And ever since she reduced eating to basically a few glasses of water a day and maybe one meal, she had started to become dangerously thin.

Orihime visited on occasions, bringing the food to Yoruichi that she could. And she would stay there until she ate, because she knew if she were to leave, the Shihouin would simply desert it.

_Something_ had to change, or drastic happenings could occur in the future of Yoruichi Shihouin.

XoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoX

Please review and give me feedback on this. I don't know if I should continue it or not, so let me know. Sorry if it's a little confusing, if you guys want me to continue it, I'll clear all this stuff up in other chapters.


	2. Tea Time and Sweet Misery

Thank you to those who reviewed, it's always appreciated. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Bleach.

_Chapter 2: Tea Time and Sweet Misery_

_Saturday, 6:31 p.m._

It was overly safe to say she was desperately sick of waiting. Since she had no idea whether he was alive or not, she didn't know if she was even waiting for him anymore. For all she knew, she could be simply waiting for someone to give her the news that he had been viciously _murdered_. But she didn't want to think such thoughts, of course. She missed him too much for that.

How long had it been already? She didn't like to think about that, either. It had been six and a half months now, and it hurt. It hurt a lot.

But, how could it _not_ hurt? He was the one thing she had tried so desperately to hold onto. He was that one thing that could somehow keep her settled in one place, instead of coming and going all hours of the day. He was the one thing that kept the pieces of her life glued together, and now that he was gone, her life was a mess. And she wasn't in the right condition to be able to pick the pieces up quite yet.

He was the one to understand when no one else did. He was the one to want her when she felt unwanted. When she was confused, he was the one to make sense of it. He was always there to hold her hand.

She was drowning in her misery, and she was tired of treading water.

The storm had passed, so she strode herself into the kitchen in search of some tea. She wanted to get her mind off things, anything to keep her busy would do. It was all she wanted.

But she got to thinking again.

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_"Why can't I be with him!? Why can't I stay!?" Her voice was trembling. She felt a million and one things at the moment, and she didn't know how to express them. _

_She was confused._

_She was hurt._

_She was frustrated._

_She was __**desperate**_

_"I'm sorry, Yoruichi. You have to return to the living world. You cannot be here, it would be too much of a distraction to Urahara." Yamamoto said carefully, holding fast to his cane._

_"Kisuke!? How would I distract him!?"_

_"You and I both know very well that he would be worried sick about you if you were to remain where the war resides." He answered thoughtfully._

_She would have loved to slap that old man right across the face right about then, but she held on to her self control. She wasn't in a position to get herself into trouble._

_"I don't understand why he even has to participate in this. You removed him from Soul Society, and now just because you're losing a war, you temporarily want him back!?" She said fiercly. She was sick of Yamamoto years ago, and now that he had gone and done what he did, she wanted nothing more but to cause as much misfortune to him as she was able._

_"Miss Shihouin...You have to understand that this is an extremely difficult time for Soul Society. We need Kisuke Urahara in order to continue our efforts."_

_"But there's no way you can assure that he'll live." She said crossly, angrily. She was far beyond upset._

_He fell dead silent._

_She knew that there was no way he could know whether Kisuke would make it or not, but after asking that and getting a response of a look of pain on an old man's face, she felt her stomach wrench. After hearing it like that, she felt a million times worse._

_"Answer me this, Yama." She said with a much quieter tone than previous words said. "Did he agree to this? Did he agree to fighting in this war? Did he agree to sending me back?"_

_"He did." He answered hesitantly._

_This time, she was the one who fell silent. She could feel tears taunting her eyes, and she didn't have a fighting chance of holding them back. _

_"When this war ends," She said suddenly. "I want him back alive."_

_-------------------------------_

Thinking back on it, she was ashamed of how she acted toward Yamamoto. And yet she didn't regret a single bit of it. She had told him what she thought of the situation, and that's what she went there to do. She went to give him a piece of her mind. She went for _Kisuke's _sake. Even if it didn't do anything to help her situation, she was still proud of herself that she had gone.

But the thing was, she hadn't accomplished anything.

How could she be proud?

What if she had said the right thing to change the old man's mind?

What if a few different, self-spoken words had changed everything?

He would be with her right now if they had, and that's what stung her soul like a raging bee.

Hmph. Bee, huh?

She considered that just a tad ironic.

Yoruichi Shihouin was never the type of person to ponder on 'what could have been'. She was the type to go with the flow, sit back and relax, simply live and enjoy life. Live, laugh, love. That was her philosophy.

But lately, she didn't know what type of person she was.

She didn't know _who_ she was.

She was lost, and she wanted to find her way back. She wanted her _life_ back.

What she was living wasn't a life. In her eyes, it was nothing but a wretched nightmare, a horrible dream she wanted to wake from. She wanted to pinch her cheek, finding out it was all a sick dream. But it wasn't, and she was going to have to live with that. She was going to have to live with the fact that she quite possibly may have lost the love of her life in a foolish war. His name constantly rang through her head, over and over. And she was getting scared because it was becoming distant, it seemed far away. _He_ seemed far away, and she didn't like it. She didn't like it at all.

Of course, things are not always as they seem. But she was beginning to believe that this time, they were.

She knew for a fact that she thought about him too much for her own good. She knew it wasn't healthy, the way she would mope around the shop, staring with a lovesick expression at all of the pictures of the couple, displayed in frames among the shelves. And she knew it was really unhealthy how she would take his hat with her _everywhere_. On occasions, she would even wear it.

She was afraid that if she didn't have some sort of reminder that he did exist, she would forget him. She would forget that he's still going to come back to her. She would forget what they had, what they still have. She used to believe she could never forget him, but now she wasn't so sure. She feared that somehow she would wake up one day and he would be gone from her life, just like that. No memories, no pictures, no _hats_.

Nothing.

It just didn't seem to be such a crazy idea anymore.

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"Yamamoto, sir. I have some business to attend to in the living world, if I may. I'll return as soon as possible. I hope it's acceptable, during this time of such turmoil." Soi Fon said respectfully to her elder leader. She was so afraid he was going to say no, it made her feel sick.

"Ah, yes, Soi Fon. Please, do what you must. I only ask that you report back by at least tomorrow. We need you in this battle, you are a key element in our structure of offense." Yamamoto stated clearly to the younger Shinigami standing before him. He knew exactly what she was thinking, and he thought it would be a good idea for her to do so.

She bowed humbly to the older man and spoke no further words before she disappeared with the use of Shunpo.

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Soi Fon had the directions to the Urahara shop memorized, and she knew she could be there within seconds from where she currently stood. But she had been stalling in fear of Yoruichi becoming angry with her visit. Maybe she didn't want any company, maybe she wanted to be left alone. She hadn't seen her since that day she gave her the information on Kisuke's beckoning back into Soul Society. It had already been over half a year.

She was _terrified_.

She couldn't let her fear get the best of her, though. She had thankfully received the approval from Yamamoto, and who was she to take that for granted? She had to get moving if she was going to make the day and a half she had in the living world worth what she came for.

So that's what she decided to do. She took off seconds later and arrived shortly after at the entrance of the Urahara shop. She could feel her heart racing as she squinted her eyes shut and sheepishly raised her fist to knock on the door.

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Yoruichi wrapped a blanket around her shoulders as she sniffled and slowly wrapped her hands around her cup of tea. She hadn't really noticed that she had gone and gotten herself sick. She wanted some fresh air, even if it was the middle of fall, and rather freezing. She wanted to get out of the shop.

And so she placed Kisuke's hat atop of her head and turned the handle of the front door, slowly opening it.

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Soi Fon had still remained with her eyes squeezed shut as she took a deep breath and prepared herself to give a swift three knocks as she heard the door open and an abrupt, startling sneeze to escape Yoruichi's nose.

She had nearly fallen over with a heart-attack as she placed a hand on her chest. "Y-Yoruichi-sama!" She screamed as she fell onto her back.

"Soi Fon!?" She replied with panic in her voice as she sneezed again and knelt down to the other woman. She really had thought the young Shinigami had fainted. "Are you alright!?" She said, her voice muffled by her cold.

"I-I apologize for s-startling you, Yoruichi-sama. M-maybe I should go...--" Soi Fon said as she blushed furiously from the humiliation of falling over at Yoruichi's door step.

"Soi Fon." She said with a serious tone, and yet it still had that hint of playfulness she was so well known for. "That didn't answer my question, now did it?"

"N-no, Yoruichi-sama..." She noticed she was wearing Kisuke's hat, and it pained her to know how Yoruichi had been hurting so badly without him. No matter how many smiles the Shihouin were to show off, she knew she wasn't really going to be happy until Kisuke Urahara had returned to her life.

"Well?"

"I'm a-alright." She said, looking at her feet as she leaned against her palms on the ground.

"Good." She said, holding out her hand.

Soi Fon hesitantly took it and quickly stood to her feet, brushing herself off as her wrapped braids blew about in the violent wind. She inhaled deeply and plainly stared at Yoruichi for a few seconds.

"I didn't mean to show up out the blue, I'm sorry..." She said shyly.

"You know I always ignore your apologies, Soi Fon." Yoruichi said simply. "And yet, you continue to come up with them." She continued with a wiggle of her nose. She was hinting at the fact that Soi Fon apologized too often, and for things that didn't need apologizing. Especially since Yoruichi had a very soft heart for the Shinigami Captain of Squad Two. After all, she considered the girl her younger sister.

Soi Fon bowed her head and folded her hands together as she stared at her feet.

"So, do you want to come in? It's pretty cold out here." Yoruichi said as she looked up at the grey, cloud covered sky.

"If it's not too much trouble--"

"'Course it isn't, c'mon in." She interrupted as she opened the door.

Soi Fon quietly followed behind the older woman in front of her and sighed as she mentally kicked herself in the head, over and over, again and again.

_'Damn it! So. Fucking. Stupid.' _She thought as she cursed herself.

Yoruichi took Soi Fon into the living room area and sat down on the couch as she watched Soi Fon sit in the Laz-E-Boy across from her.

She sure had a lot of memories in that chair with Kisuke.

-Ahem.-

But those were in the past, now. Not to say she didn't miss them, but they were fragments of the past.

"So...what brought you here, Soi?" Yoruichi said, looking up from her tea as she sipped from it. It was a selfish thing to do, she knew, but she was hoping and praying that it was good news about Kisuke.

"Just thought that maybe I should pay you a visit, Yoruichi-sama..." She said sheepishly.

Yoruichi felt her hopes die just a little bit more from that response. She tried to be optimistic about it, she truly did. No news is good news, right?

"Ah. Well, it's nice to see you again." She said, trying to smile. She wanted to show Soi Fon that she could still be happy, she didn't want to look like a miserable wreck. Even if that's what she was, she didn't want to look like it, at least.

"How have you been...?" She replied with concern in her voice as she stared Yoruichi straight in the eye, something she didn't do very often.

"I think I've been doing okay." She said, smiling again. It was almost hard to smile, she hadn't done it in so long, it nearly felt awkward.

Soi Fon resented that she didn't believe her, but she couldn't help it. Yoruichi couldn't hide the thousands of tears Soi knew she had cried and all of the pain she had felt those past six months behind her eyes. Maybe from someone else, but not someone who knew her as well as Soi Fon did. It just didn't work that way. Not to mention she couldn't help but notice Yoruichi looked much thinner than usual, and it didn't help that she was sneezing and sniffling every few minutes, either.

She wanted to say something along the lines of 'I disagree'. She wanted to tell her to get better, to stop worrying. But she couldn't. She had felt the same pain when Yoruichi had left Soul Society, had left _her_, without a word, and she was in no position to basically tell the noble to get over it. She knew just how important Kisuke was to her, and she wasn't going to get in the middle of her pain and anxiety. She didn't need that.

There was something that was bothering her, though. It was making her almost jealous. She wanted to know why Yoruichi had been so damn upset about Kisuke for so long now, and Soi Fon was in the same situation as he was. She was stuck in the war, too. But Yoruichi had never even acknowledged that, and it was safe to say that it hurt a little.

She sat quietly for a few minutes. She didn't know what to say. Sure, there must have been a million things she _wanted_ to say, but she wasn't one to say any of them. So she took a deep breath and leaned over with her elbows on her knees and clasped her hands together.

"Yoruichi-sama." She said boldy to her Ex-commander. She was never anything but timid around Yoruichi, so being bold with her was definitely something new, and absolutely nerve wracking.

"Hmm?" She answered with her knees tucked under her chin as she pushed Kisuke's hat out of her eyes.

"Can you look me in the eye, and tell me that you're okay?" She said plainly on the exterior, but on the inside she was screaming curses at herself for being so rude to someone such as Yoruichi. But she knew she had to do this to make sure Yoruichi was doing alright.

Yoruichi simply pulled her legs from under her chin and sat up with a sigh as she slouched against the couch cushions.

"No." She replied with remorse as she leaned her head back, looking at the ceiling and tears welled up in her eyes like a held back waterfall. "I can't."

Soi Fon wanted to _die_. She felt awful. She had caused even more pain to the one she loved just to get an answer to a stupid question that she already knew the answer to. It made herself feel sick.

"Yoruichi-sama...I didn't mean--"

"I know you didn't. It's alright." She said reassuringly as she wiped her eyes.

Soi Fon sighed as she held her head in her hands and she wanted to tell her something, but she wasn't sure how to say it.

So, it just came out.

"Sweet misery." She mumbled as she stared at the floor.

Yoruichi looked at her as she replaced her expression of pain with a look of question.

"What?"

"Missing someone you love." She said, lifting her head. "It's sweet misery."

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There's chapter two. Didn't come out at all how I wanted it to, but the next one will be better.

_**Please**_ review!


	3. Come Back To Me

Here's chapter three, everyone. Keep the reviews coming! The sentences in italics are the song lyrics and the other stuff in italics are obviously flashbacks.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Bleach, or the song Here With Me by Michelle Branch.

_Chapter Three: Come Back To Me_

Just after that, it felt like everything was closing in on her. She felt trapped, within those few words.

_Sweet misery._

It took her until right then to realize Soi was refferring to that fact that she felt the same way for _one hundred years._ She felt lost, hurt, confused, all of those same things, but not just for six and a half months. For _decades, and decades._

And it made her feel responsible for the pain of Soi Fon, and she knew that she _should _feel responsible. It was her fault, she was the one who abandoned her. But yet, she's still here in her living room, trying to help her through six months of depression and anxiety. She also realized, not only did she never say goodbye to Soi Fon that day she vanished from Soul Society, leaving her life behind, but she never said goodbye to Kisuke only months ago. It could have been her last chance to say that oh-so-simple word to him, and she blew it. She knew more than anything that she wouldn't ever forgive herself if she were to lose him, with no goodbye. There was no chance in hell she could get over that.

Thinking about living without him, for the rest of her life, it really scared her.

"Yeah..." She answered quietly as tears threatened to fall, and she let them. She couldn't fight back tears anymore, it just wasn't in the cards for her. She stared her companion square in the eye, and decided to tell her something she should have spoken of years ago. Something that could never wipe away all of the pain she had to endure, but it could be a start to _something_. At least, she wanted it to be, anyway.Although it would be rather late to say it now, she still wanted to get it out.

"I'm sorry." She could feel her tears slipping off her cheeks and crashing down onto the floor. She hated crying in front anyone, especially Soi Fon. It was a clear sign of weakness, and she hated it.

Soi Fon was set back a bit from Yoruichi's apology, why was _she _telling her sorry? What the hell gave her the idea she needed to be saying sorry? There was nothing that came across the Captain of Squad Two's mind that could help anwer her question. She was beyond confused, a little frustrated.

"Yoruichi-sama...you have no reason to be apologizing to me." She said as she rose from her seat and turned her head away. She didn't want to see her in pain, she couldn't deal with that, especially after she was the reason for it.

"Soi Fon, look at me." She said as she took a deep breath, her tone of voice had gone completely serious. You could tell that speaking was starting to get hard for her, since she was beginning to sob. Soi Fon slowly turned her head back and looked down into the pain filled golden eyes of Yoruichi. "I've needed to apologize to you for years, and I never did. I caused you more pain than you ever should have had to go through, it was all because of me. I never said goodbye. I simply abandoned you and disappeared without a trace, and why you don't hold a grudge on me for that, I'm not sure. I don't understand why you're still as good a friend to me as you always were, but I guess I don't need to understand. I just need to tell you that I've made too many mistakes, and I'm sorry."

Soi Fon could feel her heart sink drastically, and she could feel her eyes urge her to cry. But she couldn't cry, not here, not in front of Yoruichi. She wasn't going to make herself look weak. It's just that she hated so much having to see her cry like that, having to see her hurting so bad, and not being able to do a damn thing about it. She sighed heavily and concentrated on holding back every tear.

"Yoruichi-sama...I should be getting back to my squad." She said, looking away as she rubbed her nose.

There was one thing that filled Yoruichi's heart for just a few seconds.

_Rejection._

She felt that her apology had been rejected, but it didn't upset her. She deserved to be rejected by Soi Fon. She deserved to be _hated _by Soi Fon, so rejection was the least of the could-have-been consequences.

"Yeah." She replied as she stood from the couch and tried to wipe off her tears, although they were still making their way down her cheeks. "Soi Fon?" She asked quietly.

"Huh?" She asked as she turned around.

"Is...is he...is he alive? Do you know?" She asked a little more desperately than intended.

Soi Fon lowered her head as she looked away. "I don't know..."

Yoruichi placed one arm around her waist as her free hand covered her mouth. "Okay..." She barely said as she took several sharp breaths.

Soi Fon made her way to the door, and she could feel Yoruichi's stare grinding into the back of her head. She didn't want to leave, but she couldn't stay in this painful atmosphere any longer. She couldn't deal with that, she had a post to return to in Soul Society, and blubbering here over things of the past with Yoruichi wasn't going to help anything. Even if it was something she wanted to do, she couldn't stay. She opened the door and stepped outside, her hand still on the doorknob and she turned herself to face Yoruichi.

"Thank you..." She said in a quiet whisper. "And I'm sorry, too." She continued as one faint tear slipped down her cheek before she closed the door and departed for Soul Society.

Yoruichi felt like her soul was on fire.

She wanted to scream. She wanted to scream her bloody lungs out until they gave in. She wanted to get rid of this pain, this over hanging cloud of anxiety. But all she had done was pass it along to one of the people she cared about the most.

Was that all she was now? Someone to make everyone _else_ miserable? Because if she wasn't, she sure felt a hell of lot like she was.

And she wanted to do something about it. She didn't want to be the one to bring everyone else down, she didn't want to be the one who was hurt. She wanted to have Kisuke back in her life, even if she had to drag him back. Which didn't sound like such a bad idea, actually. Dragging him back by the ear, scolding him for leaving her behind.

Because that's what he did. He left her behind. But she understood.

She dragged her feet to the hallway mirror and simply stared at her reflection. She hated the person she saw. That girl wasn't her, that's not what she was. There was no doubt that she looked awful. There was a piece of her missing, and until she got it back, this was going to be the person she was.

_It's been a long, long time since I looked into the mirror_

_I guess that I was blind, now my reflection's getting clearer_

_Now that you're gone, things will never be the same again_

She placed her hand on the mirror, slightly curling her fingers as she bit her bottom lip. She couldn't help it, she just couldn't stop thinking about him.

_There's not a minute that goes by every hour of every day _

_You're such a part of me _

_But I just pulled away _

_Well, I'm not the same girl you used to know _

_I wish I said the words I never showed _

She leaned her forehead against the mirror and placed her other hand on the smooth surface as his hat drifted lightly down onto the floor. So she closed her eyes.

_I know you had to go away _

_I died just a little, and I feel it now _

_You're the one I need _

_I believe that I would cry just a little _

_Just to have you back now _

_Here with me _

And she cried harder than she ever thought she could.

_And I'm asking _

_And I'm wanting you to come back to me, please_

She felt her knees give in as she slid down to the floor and her tears glided down the glass mirror.

_I never will forget that look upon your face _

_How you turned away and left without a trace _

_But I understand that you did what you had to do _

Breathing was getting harder than it needed to be, and she wasn't strong enough to fight it. Her breaths were reduced to gasps as her tears stained her cheeks, over and over.

She was scared.

So she tried to get it off her mind, she tried not to think about him. She tried so damn hard.

--------------------

_"Do you remember when we first met?"_

_"Oh, God, that was so long ago."_

_"Yeah. But do you remember?"_

_Yoruichi lifted an eyebrow and turned her head to face him. "I guess so. Why?"_

_"Just wondering." He said, staring up at the stars with his hands behind his head. "Because I remember."_

_"Hmm." She thoughtfully placed her hand on her chin. "I quite clearly remember that you were an idiot."_

_"Hey, hey. I was young." He said defensively as he sat up._

_"You didn't let me finish." She replied, still gazing at the stars. "But I knew I liked you. At the very beginning."_

_He smiled as he laid back down on the grass. "Well, that's good. I liked you too. But not so much anymore." He said with a grin._

_She lifted her hand and punched him on the shoulder. _

_"Settle down, kitty." He paused. "Do you really expect me to still like you after all these years? That feeling diminished ages ago." He continued. "It's much better now."_

_"Why?" She asked, a little bit of hurt toned in her voice._

_"'Cause now I love you."_

----------------------------

She inhaled deeply as she thought about all of those memories. Too many to count, she knew.

"I love you, too." She whispered under her breath and held his hat close to her chest.

It was getting tiring, all of this. She was lonely, and she was scared.

So she decided, there was one thing she could do about it. And she was absolutely, with no second thoughts, going to do it.

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Chapter three...hope it was okay. I re-wrote it at least three times, and it still didn't come out right. And it was short...Gah.

Review, review, review! **Pleeeaasee!**


	4. Til You Get Better

Woo, yet another chapter of yet another angsty fic. Hope this chapter is okay. By the way, I changed my name again ... but I think I'll leave it as what it is from now on.

**Disclaimer: **Do I own Bleach? Yes and no. But let's get to the story, ne?

_Chapter Four: 'Til You Get Better_

That sharp ache pained her constantly, with much undesired persistance, and with no signs of letting up. It was rather obvious that it pursued her emotionally, it had always been emotional. But it was starting to get physical. Physical as in difficulty with breathing, mind blowing headaches, slower movements, _heartaches_. She decided that it was _that _particular sharp ache that was the source of her current state of illness. It was only a nearly harmless cold, yes, but the skull cracking migraines were much more than she needed. _So_ much more.

_Aspirin._

She needed some full blown pain killers to get rid of this pounding sensation, particularly attacking her temples. And she needed them this _instant_. Her desperation to find such pills ended up with her bathroom being left in a disastrous state of a seemingly run-through tornado of some sort. Of course, there was no tornado, just a very miserable and deranged Yoruichi with an over flowing handful of pearl-white aspirin pills and a glass of water sitting idly beside her on the sink.

She was being a little reckless, but the pain she carried on her shoulders, and at the current moment, throughout her throbbing skull, made it seem like it didn't matter.

There were numerous assortments of pain-killers, aspirins, and capsules coating the tile floor, and the empty bottles lay amongst them, scattered across various parts of the bathroom.

It was an utter mess.

_She_ was an utter mess.

Again she looked at her reflection in the mirror with disgust as a select few pills fell to the floor due to her trembling hands. She truly found her reflection sickeningly disgusting. That woman she could see so clearly, whom she did not recognize, whom she _loathed_,was an eyesore. She was unsightly, repulsive. The shock of finding that woman staring back at her every time she caught sight of her reflection never seemed to disappear. It never ceased to surprise her that there was someone else looking back at her, and it never ceased to make her feel revolted, appalled, sickened, insulted. Maybe even outraged.

She truly despised the fact that she would wake every day in hopes of finding _herself_ looking back at her. She hated that she would believe she could be who she _was_ again.

Her hair was tied up in a not-so-neat pony tail and the free strands were clinging to her skin due to perspiration. Those topaz eyes had lost their whimsical shine, the sparkle that told others she felt _alive_. She hadn't smiled since God knows when, such acts of obvious joy had barely been present when Soi Fon had taken the time to come see if she was _okay_.

She most definitely _wasn't_.

Yoruichi Shihouin was one who was very able to hide things from others. She was quick, witty, intelligent, giddy. Everything about her aided her with being able to push aside painful memories, disastrous situations, it was a cakewalk to her. But, no longer could she keep all of it hidden in the shadows, hiding inside herself. Certain people had certain limits, and she was well aware that she had reached her own.

She squeezed each of her hands into tight fists, resting them on the cold surface of the sink, causing the pills to pour out of her hand, clattering onto the floor. Lifting her head up, she stole one last glance at her reflection before her fist connected with the fragile surface of the mirror, causing the glass to shatter and fall to the floor simaltaneously. Fragments lay randomly among the floor and countertop, a select few scraps of glass still clinging to the inner border of the mirror, or lack therof. Blood etched its way from her knuckles as she rested her fist back down onto the sink.

She was well beyond broken. And she was getting the feeling that she couldn't be fixed.

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Inoue had found herself at the doorstep of the Urahara Shouten for the fifth time this week as she knocked blatantly on the wooden front door. "Yoruichi-san! I brought you supper!" she chirped as she ceased her knocking.

After no response, she instinctly became a bit worried, and unwelcomingly barged into the shop. But, Yoruichi-san's life could be in danger, so it was alright to go in, wasn't it? She really didn't know, but her worry overcame her thoughts as she looked around the living room.

"Yoruichi-san?" she repeated, and didn't bother sheathing the worry in her ever-so slightly trembling voice.

Just after the older woman's name escaped her lips, she heard clattering coming from down the hall. Another one, and another. She slowly stepped down the hallway and stopped at the open doorway of the bathroom as her eyes grew and she dropped the potentially hazardous meal onto the floor. Her hands flew up to greet her mouth as she gasped.

"Yoruichi-san! Drug overdose?!" she cried noisily as she sprinted the short distance between her and the Shihouin Goddess, knocking the pills from her blood stained hands. The mountain of medications resting in her hands had grown considerably, but not for the reason of overdosing. Inoue could feel glass cracking beneath her feet and paused to look down. My God, it was quite the mess.

"Inoue...?" she replied wearily as her eyes hesitantly focused on the pills that had crashed onto the floor. The pills she had _just _finished cleaning up.

"Yoruichi-san, suicide isn't the way out!" she exclaimed, holding the other woman's hands in her own, deciding that she would ask about the shattered mirror later.

Yoruichi shook her head as if her ears had deceived her. Suicide? _What?_

"Eh...Inoue...I don't think you understand..--"

"No, I'm not going to let you throw your life away!"

"No, no, Inoue,--"

"You need to go lie down! And stay away from all of these pills!" she said, scolding the Shihouin, something she really wasn't in the mood for. "I'll get bandages for your hands." she continued, her tone of voice was softer, and she sounded compassionate in place of her disrespectful, not to mention misunderstood, scolding.

But, lying down didn't sound like such a bad idea. She was beginning to shake and she could feel a fever rising her body temperature to undesirable levels. But, stay away from the _pills_? The pills she needed to rid of at least some of this pain?

"Inoue, I have a treacherous headache...I _need_ to use those pills..." she blurted out as she held a hand to her forehead and the other gripped tightly onto the sink beside her to keep herself from quite literally toppling over.

Inoue of course immediately took that as in meaning _all _of the pills and frowned instantaneously. "No, no, no. You don't need all of those, Yoruichi-san. I can make some of my famous stew for you, and some tea, and--"

"_Inoue._" she cut her off with an aggravated emphasis on the red-head's name as she took heavy breaths, she was feeling lightheaded and the blows from her throbbing temples were fogging her train of thought. "You need to understand what I'm telling you. My head hurts, no," she shook her head as if to correct herself, "my skull feels as if it were splitting and cracking more each second, I need those fucking pills."

Inoue dropped her grip from Yoruichi's arm and slightly backed away, placing her hands behind her back as she smiled uneasily. "I-I'm sorry, Yoruichi-san..."

"No, it's alright you don't have to apologize, Soi--" she stopped herself before she could spit Soi Fon's whole name out of her mouth. She inhaled deeply and shook her head from side to side in attempt to shake away the confusion. "Ah, Inoue..." she mumbled, correcting herself. It was hard for her _not_ to feel remorseful after harshly interrupting the youth standing before her, and then to mistake her name for another. It was just that she didn't receive apologies all too often, and when she did, it was from that one person whom she didn't want to hear it from.

"I apologize for acting like this..." she sighed as she brought her hand back up to her forehead. "I'm just not feeling like myself lately..." Oh, that was so true that it was sickening.

"It's okay...Maybe I'll go...and let you rest..." she murmured while taking backward steps out of the bathroom.

Yoruichi slowly nodded as she stared intently at the seemingly hurt Inoue. God, she'd done it _again_. She'd gone and spread her pain to yet another person she cared about. She'd passed her heartache to someone else. _Again_. She cursed to herself silently as she lowered her gaze to the bowl of the sink. "Yeah..."

She could hear Inoue's footsteps carry down the hall and she sighed as she heard the door shut quietly behind the young teenager. To say the least, she felt delirious. Her vision was blurred and she felt feverish, along with the fact that she was swaying from side to side as she clutched the sink hard enough to make her her crimson stained knuckles shade themselves a pale white. Holding onto to consciousness was starting to become a bit too overwhelming.

Which led her to believe that was why seconds later she lay collapsed on the debris covered floor.

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"Oh, your back early, Soi Fon." Yamamoto said, surprise drifting along in his words.

"Yes, Yoruichi-sama is...well she..." the young Chinese descendant sighed heavily as she recalled in her mind of the unpleasant visit to the Urahara Shouten.

"I suppose she isn't doing well, then." He answered with guilt coating his words.

She nodded in response as her steel-colored eyes drifted to the floor.

"Captain, sir...I have a question to ask, if I may..."

"Hmm?" his eyebrows furrowed together as he looked at her with concern. "A problem?"

"N-no...I just was wondering, where Kisuke Urahara may be located?" she said timidly, afraid her words would offend her superior.

"Oh. Kisuke...Kisuke Urahara..." she saw pain flicker in his eyes for just a moment as he shook his head.

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Yoruichi lifted her head, which seemed to be heavier than usual, and looked around the room trying to recall the last thing that had happened. Inoue, broken mirror, pills, fever, dizziness...

Ah, that's right, she had passed out.

Then how did she end up on her bed?

"You're finally awake."

She heard a rough voice, and it was close.

"...Ichigo?"

"You guessed it." he answered, turning around to face her as he stared down at her with concern and shoved his hands in his pockets simply out of habit.

She looked a bit dazed, confused.

"What are you doing here?" she asked bluntly, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

"Inoue came over and told me you were a mess. So I decided to take a walk over here." he said, his eyes gazing out of the window and a few rust colored leaves drifted by.

"Oh." she answered, sitting up. The migraine was gone, at least. But the fever still remained. So much for harmless cold, huh.

"You were laying in a pile of pills and glass, ya know. You were bleeding." he murmured, failing miserably to hide the concern in his voice.

"Oh." she said again, resting her right hand on her left upper arm and vice versa.

"Why was the mirror broken? Why were there pills all over the floor? What the _hell_ happened to you?" he asked, finally making eye contact with her.

She didn't want to answer that. She didn't want to answer any of those questions, but she didn't know how to answer the last one. Because the thing was, she didn't know what happened to her. All she knew was that she had lost it.

"I don't know." she answered so simply.

"You don't know, huh?" he looked away. "That's the wrong answer, Yoruichi."

She was shocked, he was being stern, it was almost like he was upset with her, like scolding a bad child.

"Ichigo, it isn't any of your business."

"Yeah? The hell it isn't." he frowned, but he was angry.

She could tell.

"It isn't."

He sighed, running a finger through his orange locks. "You don't have to go through all of this alone. You've got friends, Yoruichi. Me, Inoue, Chad, Rukia, Ishida,--"

"But I don't have Kisuke." she cut him off. She didn't realize how selfish that sounded until after she said it.

He didn't really know how to answer that one. So he just went with instinct.

"He'll be back. As much as I can't stand him, although he has saved my ass a few times, he cares about you. He's not gonna go do something he knows is reckless. He's a smart guy." he said, sitting down on the end of the bed. "He wouldn't leave you behind."

"Ichigo..."

Of course he wouldn't leave her behind, but there's that possibility that _something_ could have happened, and she needed to know.

"You just have to wait for him, he'll come back." he added, staring the floor with his elbows resting on his knees.

"I'm not waiting anymore."

"What?" he lifted his head and locked his eyes with hers.

"I said I'm not waiting anymore."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means what it means." she replied, carelessly waving a hand in the air.

He wasn't even going to try to figure out whatever it was she was planning. "Whatever it is you're gonna do, just wait until you're better, will ya?" he said as he rose to his feet.

"Sure." she couldn't help but smile, and even quietly laugh under her breath from the way he was acting. She thought it was cute when he was kind. He was still rough with it, but it was cute.

"You better." he threatened.

"And if I don't?" she asked, amusement taking over her voice.

"I don't think you wanna know." he answered, turning on his heel to leave the room.

"Oh, c'mon, Ichigo."

"Nah. But I'll be after you later if I find out you've been prancing around town while you're sick, got it?"

She chuckled. "Got it."

With that, he was gone, and she couldn't help but to admit that he had made her feel better.

She proceeded with outstretching her arms and yawned as she stepped out of bed. Her fever was bothersome, but she tried her best to ignore it. After all, she would need to be ignoring it while traveling. Some fever medication would help, so she decided to bring some along, before remembering that every pill in the shop was splayed across the bathroom floor.

She'd just need to stop by a convienience store, then.

That nap had really made her feel better, however she still wasn't in the best condition. But she really didn't care.

She pulled an orange hoodie over her head and grabbed some money from the counter in the kitchen as she took one last look around, trying to remember if she would need anything else. Quickly deciding she wouldn't need anything more, she made her way to the front door and turned around as if saying goodbye to the shop and she slipped out into the cold, unwelcoming Autumn weather of the living world.

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Alright, there it is. Did you like it? Hate it? Or are you ignoring this part completely?

Come on people, please review! I update faster if you do!


	5. Certain Doubts

Thank you everyone who reviewed! I wasn't able to reply to several of them...my apologies.

Anyway, on with chapter five.

Words in italics are flashbacks.

And sorry for the delayed update, I've been busy with my life ...

**Disclaimer: **I do not, never did, and never will own Bleach.

_Chapter Five: Certain Doubts_

The wind was brutal.

She had no idea how Ichigo had managed to travel all the way to the shop in only a T-shirt and jeans, while on foot, no less. Here she was, in a hooded sweatshirt and long pants, and she was _still _freezing. As said before, this cat preferred the warm weather over the cold Autumn.

Her violet hair blew about wildly in the gusts of wind and whipped around her cheeks. She was growing rather irritated and finally decided to pull her bright orange hood over her head with a scowl as she placed her hands into the pocket of the sweatshirt.

Who knew Yoruichi Shihouin could _scowl?_

The happy woman in which she used to know as being herself, was just too long gone to remember.She frowned with a sigh as she turned the corner of the street and much to her dismay, she started thinking.

X o X o X o X o X o X o X o X o X o X o X o X o X o X o X o X o

_"Name's Kisuke Urahara." he held out his hand with a goofy smile. "Nice to meet ya, Yoruichi."_

_She knew she liked this one right away, and just because he called her Yoruichi. Not Yoruichi-sama, not Princess Shihouin, not even Yoruichi-san. Just Yoruichi. _

And she liked that.

_He was calm, he was laid back, he was a lot like her._

_"Yeah." she answered, shaking his hand._

She liked that, too.

_"So I guess your going to be training me, Your Highness?" he said sarcastically._

She liked his voice.

_She arched a slim brow and tilted her head forward. "Mm-hmm."_

_He raised his eyebrow as a mock impersonation of the woman standing before him._

She liked his expressions.

_"Oh, are you making fun of me, sir?" she asked, crossing her arms as a grin tugged at her lips._

_He chuckled lightly as he shook his head. "It depends how you look at it."_

She liked his laugh.

_"Huh." she drilled her finger into his chest, pushing him backwards. "And how am I supposed to look at it, hm?"_

_"That's your choice, Miss." he replied, holding his hands out in front of him and raising his shoulders to indicate that he had not a clue._

_She locked eyes with him and couldn't help but crack a grin. _

She liked his eyes.

_"Oh, is it, now?" she inquired, placing her hands on her hips._

_"Sure is." he tore his gaze away from her, looking up at the sky. "So, O Great One, are you going to show me some of your moves, or just wonder all day whether I was making fun of you or flirting?"_

_"Hm?" she was taken aback by his question. Flirting? She was never wondering if he was--_

_But he wouldn't have brought it up if he wasn't doing such a thing._

_"You know, I can't help but think you __are__ flirting with me." she answered casually, smiling mischieviously as she winked at him._

_He smiled as he brought his gaze back onto her, scratching the back of his head. "Well, dang. You caught me."_

She liked his smile.

_"Oh, darn." she snapped her fingers as she looked at the ground. "Too bad, eh?"_

_He held his smile as his eyes stared right at her, and he had sort a dumbfounded expression. Her eyes flickered from right to left in confusion before she leaned forward and cocked her head to the side. "So what is it that's so interesting about my face?"_

_He leaned back with a laugh. "Oh, I dunno." he rubbed his hand on his chin as if searching for a suitable answer. "Don't get too cocky," he shook his head with a grin. "But maybe it's 'cause you're cute, Shihouin."_

_She pursed her lips and rested her hand on her chin. "Well, Urahara," she paused for a moment and glanced at him just for the sake of suspense. "You aren't so bad yourself."_

_"My, my. Getting a compliment from the high Yoruichi Shihouin, now that sure is somethin'." he said with sarcasm heavily coating his words as he closed his eyes._

_"Oh, shut up." she said with a yawn._

_"Ahw, don't tell me the Princess is getting bored with me?" he said, faking the hurt in his voice._

_"And if she is?" she questioned with a smirk._

_"Well, I just don't know." _

_"What a boring answer, Mister Urahara." she yawned again._

_"Oh, come now. None of that." he frowned for just a moment._

She even liked his frown.

_She laughed aloud as she tapped her left foot._

_"How come I've never seen you before?" she asked suddenly._

_"I dunno." he answered bluntly._

_"Huh..." she said to herself more than anything else._

_They had only just met, yet they were talking with and teasing one another as if they had been long-time friends. It was comforting._

_He was just what she had been looking for. She didn't know what it was, but something about him just made her want smile for no reason at all._

_It felt right._

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She glared at the bare trees as she tried to push her memories aside and her feet scuffed on the sidewalk. She hated the way any tree looked without its' leaves. It felt eerie. It was like they weren't whole, because a part of them was missing. Her feet stopped moving as she stared at nothing in particular.

Was that how she was portraying herself?

Was she _ugly_ without Kisuke?

_'Come on, Shihouin. Isn't that just so obvious after how you reacted to your own reflection?'_

Her eyes narrowed as she hushed the voice in the back of her head.

"Oi, Yoruichi-san!"

Her heart skipped a beat from the sudden unknown voice calling her name, also calling her out of her own trans. She turned around to see it was Ichigo.

_'Ah, shit.'_

"Ah...Ichigo..."

"What the hell are you doing?" he frowned, leaning a bit toward her.

"I'm out on a walk--"

"No, that can't be right, 'cause I remember you telling me that you wouldn't leave the shop until you were feeling better. So, I'll ask again. What the hell are you doing?" his expression looked like a concrete statue. His features were so permanent with his frowning expression, he looked like cement.

She didn't want to hear it.

"--to get some medicine." she wittingly finished her sentence.

He was about to argue before remembering the mess of pills on the bathroom floor. Okay, so her story was believable, he would give her that.

She looked up at the sky in annoyance. "So, I thought you were going home."

"I just have a lot on my mind, with school and all. I thought I'd take a walk."

"Huh." she crossed her arms and raised one brow before simply walking away from the younger boy. She wasn't in the mood for talking, and especially not with someone who was being persistant with harassing her.

He turned around and gritted his teeth as he noticed her walking away. Considering she was his teacher, he should have let her be, but he pushed that thought aside with ease and ran up beside her.

"You never told me what your plan was." he interjected.

"That's because it's my own business. I don't _have_ to tell _anyone_." she answered harshly.

"What are you gonna do?" he stopped walking, and expected her to do the same.

But she didn't. Not at first, anyway.

No response.

"I said--"

"Damn it, Ichigo!" she cut him off and turned around. "How many times do I have to tell you!? What I do is my choice!"

His mouth clamped shut immediately. It was an understatement to say he was surprised. There had only been one time that she had become so angry with him as to yell, raise her voice louder than neccessary. And that was because a life was at stake.

So, just what the hell was going on?

"I...didn't mean to upset you...it's just...you're acting so strange and--"

"I have a lot to think about, Ichigo." she answered before snapping her body to face the opposite direction and walked away with a sick feeling in her stomach.

He raised a hand in the air and almost called for her to stop, but he threw it back down to his side, knowing well enough that she didn't want to be bothered any further. He sighed, his chocolate-colored eyes following her body as she disappeared from his viewing distance.

There was something wrong with her, considering the fact that when he had found her on the floor in a heap of pills and glass, she wasn't breathing.

Her nerves weren't responding.

Her heart wasn't even beating.

He would keep his CPR experience to himself for the time being, at least until he figured out what was going on.

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_'Yoruichi-sama is going to be devastated...'_

Soi Fon rushed through the maze-like Seireitei, making her way to the Fourth Division as fast as she truly could go. She never took a fond liking to Kisuke Urahara, but hearing the news she did, it made her stomach wrench.

_'I can't believe he went down...'_

She sighed with a slight shake of her head as pain ached itself throughout her heart. She wasn't going to be anywhere in sight when her former captain was informed of the latest news about Kisuke. It's not something she wanted to witness. Seeing her tears was too much to bear.

Watching her scream was too much to hear.

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"That'll be two seventy five."

She pulled out a few dollar bills from her pocket and slid them over on the counter, grabbing her aspirin and mumbling 'Keep the change' on her way out.

She dragged her feet down the sidewalk for a few feet before plopping down on a curb and letting out a sigh as she stared up at the colorless sky. She wanted to relax, but it just didn't seem all that possible. Her head hung low as she pulled her knees up to her chest and hid her face.

_'Maybe I shouldn't go.'_

She was having some troubling doubts. If she were to go to Soul Society, he would know she didn't believe his words. But if she didn't go, if at least she didn't know he was still alive, she knew she would go completely insane.

_'Someone would let me know if something happened...right?'_

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I'm so sorry that this is incredibly short. I just needed to get something posted, and I've been so busy. Stupid, stupid cross country training is killing me, I swear. Kind of a filler...Next chapter should be up soon.

Autumn, over and out.


	6. Red Like Roses

Hello everyone. Yes, it has taken me ages to update, I know. But, you see, my life is overdemanding. Okay, that's an exaggeration, but I _am_ a very busy person lately, so please excuse this belated update.

**Disclaimer: **I own absolutely, positively nothing. Except the plot, of course.

_Chapter Six: Red Like Roses_

Devastating.

Absolutely devastating.

Soi Fon shook her head slowly from side to side as she held her composure and stiffly walked out of the room, her hands balled into tight fists at her side. There were only a few instances that she could specifically think of that were sotraumatizing to her, in which she couldn't think straight, absolutely couldn't spit out a single word, and couldn't blink back the tears. It was one of the first few times she couldn't hold back a single tear, and they stained her face over and over again. He deserved to at least be mourned for, she knew.

Well, his whole squad, in fact, deserved her tears. They _deserved_ to be cried for. There were so few that had made it out of the tragic attack alive, that she could count their names on her hands. There were countless casualties, however, none in vain.

The battlefield looked as if it were bleeding. Red, everywhere. She had taken the liberty to take a look at the site of despair, and she honestly regretted it. She could barely stomach the dead bodies that coated the fields. Some had missing faces, some had missing limbs, others were completely torn apart. Whether they were the foe or the fellow Shinigami, she felt the sympathy and guilt for every lost life that lay on the ground before her. She felt the sinking of her heart as she played the scene of the battle in her head too many times to count. She hadn't been there to witness it first hand, but she could picture it so easily and it made her nauseous.

She felt a sick pit in her stomach as she played it over once more.

And she stopped in mid-step as she realized she would be the one to have to tell Yoruichi. She wouldn't be able to escape the screams of her pain and sorrow, she would only be able to look away. She knew she didn't have it in her to be able to witness her love in more pain than she could bear her own self.

She had wished to the point of despair that his heart would start beating again, but it didn't, and Yoruichi needed to know. Soi Fon sighed as she bit down on her bottom lip apprehensively, tightly shutting her eyes.

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"Alright, I think I'm ready to go." she mumbled to herself as she situated the small pack of simple items resting against her back.

She fumbled around with the keychain hanging from her waist before sighing and taking a good look at the underground training area under the Urahara Shoten. She hesitantly lifted her hand and shook her head before triggering the portal to Soul Society. Getting through the portal potentially causes trouble for most people, but the Goddes of Flash blazed through it with ease and quickly found herself standing right outside the Seireitei walls. Which she noted, were in very horrible shape, due to the war, she assumed.

There were no guards, again most likely due to the war. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that they had probably needed every Shinigami they could find. Her eyebrows furrowed together as she turned her head and viewed the area around her. It looked disastrous. Her golden eyes sunk to look at the ground as she found herself feeling disappointed that Seireitei had been reduced to _this_. With another shake of her head, she calmly walked through a jagged gap in the giant wall that guarded Seireitei and began her mission of finding where Kisuke was currently residing.

She was trying to be as optimistic as she could, blocking out all negative possible outcomes of her journey here. She continually thought to herself that she would find him.

And if she found him, and he wasn't alive?

She wasn't sure about that yet, and she placed that thought in the blocked out negative outcomes section of her mind as she trudged around Seireitei with a tired and numb look in her eyes.

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"She's here, I hope you know."

"_No_." Soi Fon shook her head in disbelief as Yamamoto nodded solemnly.

"Yes." he replied. "Just what are you going to do, Soi Fon?"

She closed her eyes for a brief second before tearing out of the room in a blur. Yamamoto shook his head slowly, hoping Yoruichi wouldn't stay longer than she needed to. He didn't need another casualty added to the dreadfully long list of this war.

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_'I can't let Yoruichi-sama find him on her own...I just can't allow her to see him...it would be too much for her.'_

Soi Fon raced through Seireitei with intense speed as she scanned her surroundings for purple hair and striking golden eyes. She had yet to formulate a coherent way to tell the Goddess when she found her, but she knew she couldn't let her find Kisuke on her own. It would kill her.

And Soi Fon just wouldn't be able to handle that.

The young Captain skidded to a stop and stared intently through the dust. Her dark eyes narrowed in attempt to see through the haze, which eventually proved to be effective. She could feel a lump in her throat as her eyes caught Yoruichi going in the direction of Squad Four's Headquarters, exactly where Kisuke was.

_'No, no, no, no, no.'_

She followed the dust Yoruichi's path had left drifting through the air as the chilled wind bit at her skin without mercy. Her heart violently crashed against her ribcage hard enough to make her think it would burst through her chest.

She was beginning to slowly creep up behind Yoruichi, and she silently congratulated herself for being able to even come close to catching up with the Goddess of Flash. She kept optimistic thoughts in her mind in order to prepare herself for the news she would need to pass on to Yoruichi. Her thoughts, however, were shattered like bricks breaking through thin ice as her skin went pale. She stopped running from the mere shock of what she saw.

Red.

The elegant color of crimson seemed to flood from Yoruichi seconds before Soi Fon's screaming echoed throughout Soul Society.

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"Captain, I think you should come see this." a young healer mumbled nervously as he glanced down the hall.

"What's wrong?" Unohana asked immediately, her eyebrows furrowed together in concern.

"Just...just come look."

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Dun dun dunnn...

Don't kill me o.o

Oh, and remember to use that nifty little review technique to make me update.


	7. Misconception

Blahhh, this took me too long, and it isn't even a very long chapter. I think I'll just stop apologizing and let you all stone me to death like in the ancient times, or feed me to the lions like a crazed Spartan.

**Disclaimer: **But, actually, please don't kill me. Oh, and I don't own Bleach. It most definitely would not be a consistent story if I did own it.

_Chapter Seven: Misconception_

It was a shrill, excruciating to the ears type of scream. Something that very well could have torn through the dreary clouds hanging with gloom in the dark sky. Soi Fon felt her knees buckle beneath her, dragging the rest of her limp body to the hard ground as her hands gripped her head, and the screaming did not stop. It continued, seemingly endless, tearing through the pain she'd been through, ripping through the shreds of guilt, as if being some sort of twisted way to make up for her mere existence. A few words here and there were added to the shattering scream emitting from the overwhelmed captain, though she was the only one who could possibly understand what they were.

She wheezed, trying to bring air back into her collapsing lungs. Her heart ached to rip itself apart, pleading to bleed itself to its own demise, split down the seam to cease the throbbing agony. She wanted nothing more than to give her heart exactly what it wanted, relief by demolition.

The wind whirled about with a certain sadness that made it seem like the Earth was grieving for another blood stained patch of itself, as if it were mourning for the premature loss of Yoruichi Shihouin.

She felt her shoulders shake in tremors, rocking her fragile body with remorse.

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"…" Unohana pursed her lips in confusion, taking a step back and placing a hand on her chin, a routine part of her thought process.

"I don't understand." she said plainly, creasing her eyebrows in bewilderment. "He's…breathing. That isn't possible. Kisuke Urahara was _dead_."

The subordinate smiled, scratching the back of his head, and held his hand up a few inches from his superior. She tilted her head down slightly, lifting her left eyebrow in further puzzlement.

"He used this." he handed her a very small contraption, smiling with relief. "It's a chip, he had it injected in his right arm."

She stared back at him, obviously still confused.

"It completely disguises heart beat, breathing, any signs of life at all. He used it to trick the enemy into thinking he was dead, when he was still alive." the young squad member smiled again, shaking his head. "The man's a genius."

Unohana smiled back at him, silently telling him he had just freed her from years worth of anxiety. Her calm composure remained as she walked slowly into Kisuke's room and to his bedside, glancing at the monitors beside it to make sure things were running as they were supposed to be. The other shinigami left the room with a nod, quickly making his way down the hall to other patients who needed tending to.

He coughed slightly, cracking open an eye as he smiled reassuringly at her.

"Well, hello there." he said rather chirpily, opening his other eye. She nodded to him in response and opened her mouth to reply, but he continued. "I can't believe you were about to sentence me dead already. I don't give up that easy, now, c'mon, Unohana."

She fought the urge to roll her eyes at his nauseating confidence and broadened her smile instead, considering he was dead to her just a few minutes ago.

"I suppose I shouldn't have underestimated you." she said simply.

"I concur." he replied with a hint of sarcasm lacing his voice before he ended his sentence with a string of unhealthy coughs.

Unohana's smile faded as she realized that although he was still alive, his body was still coated with injuries, and his lungs were very near collapsing.

"You should rest." she paused, looking distantly out of the window. "You must be well for when you return to Yoruichi."

He missed hearing that name. And he missed hearing her voice. A sharp, hollow pain radiated like an atomic bomb had went off in the core of his heart, and he sighed in response.

"Yeah." was all he said.

'_I'm coming home.'_

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Yoruichi's eyes flickered, glancing at her surroundings. She knew exactly whose voice she heard, and the shrill had brought a sick feeling to the very pit of her stomach. It sounded like Soi was either dying or she had seen someone else reach the end of their chain.

In the least selfish of ways, she hoped with sincere intensity that it was the second.

Her feet pounded hard on the stiff, rigid ground as she bit down solidly on her bottom lip, tasting her own blood on her tongue. 'Soi Fon' and 'dead' never were to be in the same sentence. She thought it bitterly in her mind, and it rolled sickeningly off of her tongue, she knew it just was not right. It was completely and utterly wrong.

But, what didn't seem to be going wrong these days?

Her racing heart caused the anxiety to worsen, and her feet couldn't seem to move fast enough. One terrible thought to the treacherous next coiled around in her mind, all optimism had left her completely. The lack of concentration on her movement caused her foot to hook underneath something on the ground, bringing her plummeting to the dirt beneath her.

The blend of dirt and blood tasted dreadful in her mouth as she lifted her body from the ground, turning her head to glare daggers at whatever she had tripped over. Her golden eyes stared with disbelief as she took in a repressed breath, shaking with frustration. The figure remained motionless, soiled with a pool of her own blood. Yoruichi kicked angrily at the shameful imitation, yelling unintelligible words of pure hatred.

The bloody mess of a synthetic Yoruichi lay on the ground with a lifeless smirk. Whoever had decided to impersonate her looks had done it without regret, knowing exactly what chaos it would cause.

Soi Fon looked up, drowning in her misery as she breathed heavily, rising and dropping her shoulders with each inhale. Just as she wanted the wind to sweep her away like the dust, she saw a blur standing over Yoruichi's body and she could feel wrath broiling underneath her skin. The mere thought of someone violating her lifeless body with their unwanted presence sent Soi Fon beyond over the edge.

She clutched her Suzumebachi at her waist and her strained eyes flooded with her grief and anger. Her feet managed to pick up from the ground as she lunged toward Yoruichi, not knowing she was about to ambush the real Goddess of Flash.

Her eyes were cloaked from the truth for a matter of minutes, and it was enough to rip down every good thing she had left. It was enough for her to think her love was dead. Enough to drive her mad, uncertain of any particular emotion at all.

It was enough to ruin so much more than she was ever meant to cause.


End file.
